Mummy Diaries: The Rules (Part Two)

1. You will never pee in silence again.
2. During said action always be prepared for the door to open.
3. Just when you think they are asleep … “mama?”
4. Sex becomes quickies
5. During said endeavour expect your mind to be otherwise occupied: will we wake him up?  Is there meat out for tomorrow? Did I organize a babysitter?
6. The floor is now a suitable resting place for food. Just walked through banana? Oh fudge it – have a cup of tea. They will eat it anyway.
7. Leaving a crying toddler with a babysitter? They will forget you in 5 minutes. Sorry!
8. TV  the ENEMY … until you have a child! Or a second one.
9. Boys love anything with wheels. It’s in their genes.
10. That beautiful nursery you admire? It NEVER looks like that. Trust me.
11. Everything you don’t want your kid to eat, they will eat.
12. Brushing teeth and brushing hair – is it really worth the battle? I feel like I’m at the Wall every bedtime (GoT reference!)
13. Those wonderful perky boobs you have always taken for granted will disappear after breastfeeding. Make the most of their symmetrical shape while you can!
14. You will never feel shame showing your body in public again once you’ve popped out a baby and then spent a few months popping out your boob.
15. When baby is asleep its party time!  That means a bar of chocolate and an hour of reading mummy blogs/How I Met Your Mother
16. You know they say you always have one ear listening for baby at night? Yeah nah, once they start sleeping through you will stop that pretty quickly … SLEEP how I love you!
17. Pooz is always interesting.  Hello Quinoa!
18. “Kaka” “poopoo” “peepee” “weewee” during potty-training you will be unable to utter a single other word.
19. When your child begins solids you will develop an overwhelming interest in nutrition.  Until they become a toddler, at which point you are just happy they eat at all. Even biscuits – oh the horror!
20. Your bed will become the ultimate playground for your wee churab. That expensive toy you just bought? It will be collecting dust after 5 minutes, or broken.
21. Playdates will bring out the mamabear. Who will hit your angel child? Wait – he hit your baby? Emilio, Emilio – EMILIO COME BACK HERE NOW!
22. You will suddenly lose control of your child when all other mums are watching. It will play out a little bit like “Say sorry to the baby Emilio. EMILIO STOP PLAYING WITH THE CAT POOP NOW! Emiliooooooo!!!!!!”
23. Do not put THAT in your mouth!
24. Never leave your child unattended with pens, crayons or paints unless you are in want of a new mural.
25. Alone time with the husband? You’re never really alone. You will spend the whole time talking about the baby.
26. Babysitters will never match up to your parenting skills. Nor the knowledge of other mums.  Or even the husband, for that matter.
27. People who offer you advice and do NOT have children will receive an eyebrow raise and a look of disdain. Sorry, did you push a baby out your vag? No? Then shuddup.
28. In Chile, you will live at the doctors. Or (in our case) hospital ER.
29. Your child is never quite enough. They are always too: regalon, mamon, big, small, light, heavy, not eating enough greens, not enough junk, breastfeeding, NOT breastfeeding, not sleeping enough, sleeping too much, not talking, talking too much … the list is endless.
30. They will never look at the camera when you want them too.
31. They will never have enough woollen layers. Even in summer.
32. Christmas. You will either be so excited and put the tree up early only to find they aren’t the slightest bit interested, or they like it too much and pull it down *sigh*
33. Summer in Santiago means only two things: overcrowded swimming pools and SUNBLOCK.  Ahahaha good luck with that!